I thought about history on the way back from the library.
I seen a young boy walking with his mother and they were happy even though he was carrying a skateboard.
I remembered a time when people would throw rocks or bottles out of the windows of moving vehicles if they thought you were even associated with skateboarding and I thought it great that the prejudice was dropped in this case by an understanding mother.
I could see the reflection of her joy bouncing off her young lad as he comfortably strode down the street wearing his pulsing and life-filled heart in a transparent box attached to his shoulder. I thought about saying to the lad that no matter what, do what you gotta do, because even now there are those who will persecute you from within your own ranks because they are jealous that someone understands you and that you are free to do what you want without the kind of persecution that really damages you, the forlorness of a parent’s blind and uncaringly selfish eye.
They will stone you in your happiness and try to bring you to their level but you must maintain and allow yourself to shine brighter and brighter so that one day everything will shine except what does not, which is the exact same way that it is now and nothing will ever change but your perception, so remember to change it the way you want to change it and ignore the muckdwellers for they know not where you go, (You know, being bound in muck and all).
I then had a warm and fuzzy recollection that I recognized as true history. It is this that fascinates people and makes them seek backwards, these moments of crystalline realization that allow you to realize that events have happened and all is one and that events are merely threads among threads. I witnessed in a sparkling and apparent moment that history which is known as skateboarding and I spontaneously seen primitive pieces of wood attached to wheels and hatemongerers and Tony Hawk and commercial success and thus peer recognition and coolness factor as the art of skateboarding slowly evolved to what it is now; a freedom that has always and will always exist but is only now going through the awareness routes of most people’s brains as we find we are born here and today in the constant wave of occurences.
I realized that this is how history happens.
We simply realize it.
We see it and when we see it we realize we can say it and thus we have an awareness.
We can communicate things that have happened by tying one event to another and creating a giant string of events that are all related. These strings have little dangly pieces of string at certain connecting points that allow other connecting points to connect and eventually everything becomes one. Hitler flies into the heart of terror and suddenly a nuclear explosion is born. A bunch of guys get together in fascination over a machine and realize that it is a computer and the internet is born. I am born. You are born.
And eventually the universe is born as all is finally realized and all ties connect at the exact same point and we break out of the lines which surround us and separate us from other things. I once had the realization that lines are everywhere seperating things that nothing could exist without lines and then a wise man told me there are no lines and that made me think that nothing existed until I realized that what it meant was that everything existed except for nothing and then I became really confused and the rest was, as they say, history.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
....__==+++==__...
Have you ever thought about just how lucky you are?
Have you ever thought
"What is it that inspires me?"
It's good to ask yourself that question
"What is it that inspires me?"
I've thought it myself, believe me.
Dark forces at work
I've wondered
as the light poured down
around me
like water
Have you ever thought to realize just how lucky you are?
If you've ever lived with me
and you haven't already
you should.
If you haven't,
then maybe this will cause you to
think of someone like me.
"What is it that inspires me?"
I thought to myself
this very night.
I find myself remembering the taste of loneliness
that sweet bitter taste
and how I got used to it,
When the closest people seem so far away
and when you become accustomed to this
it means you've put yourself in a little room
that exists in your head,
a little room that you're always inside
and you scream
"I want out!"
with your eyes.
If anybody cared to listen
they'd hear it.
It's times like this that have caused me to ask,
when everyone around me
seemed like wraiths and ghosts
that I can blow away with the wind.
When I look outside the windows of my tiny room
so much more real than these
wraiths
ghosts
What I'm really realizing
is that their petty
fragile
lives
lay in my hands.
They have to sleep sometime
It's times like these that have caused me to ask
"What is it that inspires me?"
this realizing
their pathetic human fragility
and my ability to take it away
as they sleep beneath my feet.
Dark forces at work
I've wondered
as the light poured down
around me
like water
Why I'm doing the petty thing instead
stomping loudly on the floor
screaming
ignoring
creating things
Have you ever thought to realize just how lucky you are
as the light poured down
around me
like water?
Think about the people like me that you are close to.
Pray they have a light of their own
and listen
to their eyes
Have you ever thought
"What is it that inspires me?"
It's good to ask yourself that question
"What is it that inspires me?"
I've thought it myself, believe me.
Dark forces at work
I've wondered
as the light poured down
around me
like water
Have you ever thought to realize just how lucky you are?
If you've ever lived with me
and you haven't already
you should.
If you haven't,
then maybe this will cause you to
think of someone like me.
"What is it that inspires me?"
I thought to myself
this very night.
I find myself remembering the taste of loneliness
that sweet bitter taste
and how I got used to it,
When the closest people seem so far away
and when you become accustomed to this
it means you've put yourself in a little room
that exists in your head,
a little room that you're always inside
and you scream
"I want out!"
with your eyes.
If anybody cared to listen
they'd hear it.
It's times like this that have caused me to ask,
when everyone around me
seemed like wraiths and ghosts
that I can blow away with the wind.
When I look outside the windows of my tiny room
so much more real than these
wraiths
ghosts
What I'm really realizing
is that their petty
fragile
lives
lay in my hands.
They have to sleep sometime
It's times like these that have caused me to ask
"What is it that inspires me?"
this realizing
their pathetic human fragility
and my ability to take it away
as they sleep beneath my feet.
Dark forces at work
I've wondered
as the light poured down
around me
like water
Why I'm doing the petty thing instead
stomping loudly on the floor
screaming
ignoring
creating things
Have you ever thought to realize just how lucky you are
as the light poured down
around me
like water?
Think about the people like me that you are close to.
Pray they have a light of their own
and listen
to their eyes
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Me McPhee
Hey all.
This is an inspired post, this one! (Thank you Carl.)
Yes, inspired.
It has come to my attention over the last several years, (the last 27 or so), that I am somewhat of an "odd duck". That I am a person who is to be "taken, but with a grain of salt". I have noticed that people have a hard time dealing with things I have to say, because sometimes the things I have to say is right fucked. For example, anybody who has ever heard me talk of General Idea Man knows this, as has anybody who has heard me say "General Idea Man wishes for me not to speak of him anymore". Etc...
I also notice that I tend to attract friends who then become, well, something. They then trample all over me and think that I have done all sorts of horrible things to them, that I am a jerk, that I am a control freak, etc... I have gone through several sets of friends this way. At first they are great friends, and they dote on me and fawn over my many "Talents" and then all of a sudden they are disgusted with the same things they once admired and they leave and think they are better and that "they have the answer" and that I "was nothing but wrong and selfish or misguided or underdeveloped" or whatever.
I also notice that jobs I end up working at eventually end badly, simply because I am so exceptional when it comes to doing any job. I am QUITE capable of doing any of the jobs that I have so far done, all in retail or in the patch, and I came to realize that people's shame or whatever over what they are doing tend to cause them to project an amount of importance to the job which is not only egotistical, but illusory. For example, an owner of a tobacco store comes to think that she is the owner of class taste and respect, when in fact she is merely selling addiction. I will excel at the job and they will take advantage of this because they think I am someone to take advantage of, and somehow in this process I end up reflecting back at them the truth of the matter and VOILA! end of job.
Why is this?
Because I am 100 percent me baby! I am genuine! Not only that, I have a strange power.
It all started years ago, when I was a child, a baby even. I would be outside and everything would, for lack of a better term, enter into me at the same time that I exhaled. Everything would connect, only I didn't know it at the time because, well, I was a kid. It was natural. I thought it was the same with everybody. I soon started noticing strange little subtle hints that let me know that I was somehow unique compared to the people in my life.
HISTORY
Well, here it is. I grew up in small town Alberta, Grimshaw to be exact. Born and raised. All my life till I was forced to go somewhere I didn't really want to go, but that is another story. My mother married my father at the tender age of fifteen (hillbilly anybody?) and I was born barely a year later. My dad was uneducated (that is, he dropped out in high school) and he worked hard, driving things. First buggies, than trucks. He was gone a lot, leaving me with my stay at home mom. At this time we lived out on a farm. I was very cut off from, well, everything! I would play outside and my sister would sometimes join me. But my mom was more interested in smoking and cleaning and drinking than actively involving herself in my activities, which were always outside and thus lonely (as if loneliness is bad) ones.
So here we have a small child with a fresh from her teens mother, a small sister who is too small to tag along, a dad who is always gone, and no friends. Hence, natural evolution. I would walk around outside and since I didn't have the distraction of people, I had to give myself over to the distraction of nature, which at the time of childhood, before the lifting of the great torn veil, is actually the distraction of Reality itself. Throw in what I will for now call an "active imagination" but what I really want to call an "Inter-Outer connection to sub-aetherial reality centers containing beings reaching out as we do", and man, you've got me as I am now.
Straight up, no bullshit, heart on my sleeve. This may be a problem, since most people tend to think everyone is hiding something. Well, I am not. At least, I do not mind telling when people ask. What is the use of lying?
This trait was not given to me as a result of being one with nature as a child, but here is where the stories interconnect. You see, my isolation, plus my strong and natural sense of purpose and truth, would start to cause problems. You see, I was contacted by the "beings reaching out as we do." Only, I had not been reaching, as I did not know I had to yet. They found me when I was but a child.
It started as auditory hallucinations, people would say my name even though nobody was around. These voices were accompanied by a sort of tinkling-crispness, a quality to the surroundings that was crystalline and beautiful. Sharp, concise smells and appearances would surround me for that split second as a whispery voice would call "Jason!"
I remember I ran into the house once and asked my mom if she had just called my name, because I had heard a girl calling my name. She said no with a puzzled look. Keep this in mind.
Later the auditory hallucinations began to become visual. Not only would I hear my name occasionally, but I started seeing things. The most vivid hallucination of all came one day as I was looking out the window. My dad was at home and my mother was as well, and it was early evening. I was kinda tired, as I had been excited all day that dad was home, but I don't think this is the cause, though it may be one of the conditions necessary for the sight I was about to witness.
A large and rolypoly man was walking through our yard! He was near the trees. He was swathed in yellow clothing and had a large yellow hat on. He rolled with his girth, it was so round, though he did not look round I knew he was VERY round. His eyes were hidden under his hat and when I focused on his head it seem grotesquely out of proportion to the rest of his body. His nose was gigantic, as was his moustache. I eventually came to know this being as Minuto. I have no idea his purpose or his goals, but he has always seemed sinister and devious to me. (Quite truthfully, it wasn't long after my first sighting of him that things kinda took a turn for the worse, perhaps a story for another time!) What is really strange is that one day Nintendo came up with a character who looked exactly like Minuto. His name is Wario. Keep in mind, this hallucination I am talking about occured before there was even a Nintendo Entertainment System. In fact, our Atari and Colecovision were still considered hot novelty items at the time.
Anyways, I then started to have very strange dreams. They were in a sense reoccuring. There was a specific theme, and it seemed like a tv show. Here is the rundown of a typical dream.
My mom always put me to bed and then sang me to sleep. After she would leave, I would suddenly feel very heavy, what I took for at the time as tiredness but now know to not be. (Especially now that i have experienced Salvia Gravity, which is exactly what I felt when I was kid about to experience what I am explaining to you now!)
After my mom would leave and the heavy feeling set in, I would start to float up. I knew my body was on the bed, but I would just leave it and float towards the ceiling. once again, this was perfectly natural to me. How did I know that not everybody slept this way? Only, I wasn't sleeping, as I now know.
I would float up to the ceiling and through it. I would suddenly careen instantly through a vast blackness and as I shot upwards, increasing always the velocity of my ascension, and then would penetrate into a strange place that was shelves everywhere I looked. Perfectly symetrical bookshelves sparkling onwards into infinity in all directions as I shot between them. Always this happened, for years, every night as I fell asleep. I am not shitting you. I swear it by the love of my own life.
On each shelf was row after row of ventriloquist dummies. They were always looking at me. As I shot by they would turn their wooden eyes to watch me. Their mouths were always opening and shutting with this wooden clicking noise that caused a strange and noiseless drone all around me. They watched as I shot upwards forever, endlessly jabbering.
(sidenote : these dummies have a correlation to my waking life, in that there was once a video I watched with my mother in which a ventriloquist dummy was alive with an evil force. It scared the shit out of me and I have always associated this dummy with the ones in my "dream" as they were definitely one and the same. The waking life dummy was an exact replica of the ones on the shelves, or vice versa)
Finally I would suddenly break through into some strange dream environment in which I was in total control and always without fear. Once I was in a warehouse where an epic superhero battle was raging. The only superhero I recognized was the Incredible Hulk and I just did my best to stay out the way like he asked me to. Twice I had very erotic dreams. (keep in mind I was only like four years old when I had these) In one I was running across a vast Elysian field. To the sides of me and behind me were thousands of other men also running. In front of us was a beautiful maiden, just aching to get fucked. I was in the lead and my only rival was a young chinese dude. He was mocking me that no child could beat him when suddenly his penis fell off. He didn't notice, he ran, reached the girl as I stopped to scoop it up. It was Rubbery and warm, and reminded me of those weird snake toys that are hard to hang on to because they keep turning inside out. I walked to where he was. I seen his look of triumph suddenly turn to a look of terror as he realized what he had lost. The girl was laughing, and as she looked at me I slipped his penis onto my own penis, like a glove, and I specifically remember thinking that she woulnd't possibly be satisfied with my small child penis, so I better use the one I found. She was very happy. In another the same girl was with me in a library full of shelves as far as I could see. She really wanted to have sex with me so I showed her that we could fit on the shelves if we dumped the books on the floor. That was a fun night for a four year old, let me tell you.
I would also have these dreams where I was in a wild west sort of movie set town and some sort of monster would be walking around killing people. It was always a famous movie monster like Jason Voorhees. In the one with Jason I was with my uncle Shayne as he kept killing everyone around us. My uncle and I kep succesfully hiding and Uncle was scared. I kep telling him we'd be ok. We both knew he would find us eventually, but I would just say "Leave it to me when that happens!" suddenly it happened. I told Jason we weren't against him, we were here because we wanted to join him. He spared our lives and I woke up.
The last such dream I had was very sad. In the dream I became the very dummy I that was sitting on the shelves as I ascended. My mom was one as well. I was puzzled in the dream. I had a large inflatable banana that my uncle had gotten for me while on vacation. It said "Don't worry Be happy" on it with a big smily face. It hung on my wall. I was a normal person in the dream until I looked and noticed that the banana was falling down and sitting on it was the dummy! he pointed at me and with a shock I became the dummy. This terrified me so much that I started to wake up.
now in previous dream such as this I would just wake up in the morning. In this particular instance I remember suddenly hurtling back past the shelves as soon as the shock of my transformation hit. They blurred by at such a speed they seemed a solid wall. I fell faster and faster until suddenly I hit something extremely firm but very gentle. It was like I was a drop of water falling into a puddle, but instead of joining the water I had fallen into I passed right through it gently. I suddenly was back in my own room and I was floating back and forth like a falling feather, very gently. I fell perfectly into my bed with my eyes open,wide awake.
I hadn't even been sleeping.
I made a startled noise and my mom was right there at the door.
"Are you ok?"
"Mommy, how long have I been asleep? What time is it?"
"I just finished tuckin you in hon"
It blew my soft and fragile little mind.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because most of you think I am strange and bitter because I like to be alone. You all like to think that it was my upbringing that did this to me. It is no secret that my parent's redneck immaturity eventually blew right up in my face. They got the inevitable divorce, everything was bad. People at school treated me weird, even in my hometown. People I had known my whole life didn't know me, I was passed from home to home. In the period of about ten years I moved over a dozen times, from the farm to town to Red Deer to Penhold to town again to swan hills to town again, to the farm again, to town again. I lived with my mom and dad and sister and brother and then just my mom and sister and brother and then with my dad and his girlfriend and then he broke up with her and in came another girlfriend who already had a kid and my uncles lived there and he drank and partied and had some other kids, and then I moved with my grandma and then my dad again and then my grandpa and then my dad again with his new wife, then I finished school and went to college and here I am.
You think all of this would be the reason I am so isolated and weird, but it is not. Granted it threw me for a loop for a while.
But eventually I once again came to focus on the reaching and the crystalline voices and hallucinations. And Minuto is back, as are others. I don't have the dreams anymore...
But if you ever wonder why I am so aloof and withdrawn, hopefully this helps explain it.
People have treated me like shit.
The reaching has shown me the truth.
So, I prefer to reach.
Thank you drive through!
This is an inspired post, this one! (Thank you Carl.)
Yes, inspired.
It has come to my attention over the last several years, (the last 27 or so), that I am somewhat of an "odd duck". That I am a person who is to be "taken, but with a grain of salt". I have noticed that people have a hard time dealing with things I have to say, because sometimes the things I have to say is right fucked. For example, anybody who has ever heard me talk of General Idea Man knows this, as has anybody who has heard me say "General Idea Man wishes for me not to speak of him anymore". Etc...
I also notice that I tend to attract friends who then become, well, something. They then trample all over me and think that I have done all sorts of horrible things to them, that I am a jerk, that I am a control freak, etc... I have gone through several sets of friends this way. At first they are great friends, and they dote on me and fawn over my many "Talents" and then all of a sudden they are disgusted with the same things they once admired and they leave and think they are better and that "they have the answer" and that I "was nothing but wrong and selfish or misguided or underdeveloped" or whatever.
I also notice that jobs I end up working at eventually end badly, simply because I am so exceptional when it comes to doing any job. I am QUITE capable of doing any of the jobs that I have so far done, all in retail or in the patch, and I came to realize that people's shame or whatever over what they are doing tend to cause them to project an amount of importance to the job which is not only egotistical, but illusory. For example, an owner of a tobacco store comes to think that she is the owner of class taste and respect, when in fact she is merely selling addiction. I will excel at the job and they will take advantage of this because they think I am someone to take advantage of, and somehow in this process I end up reflecting back at them the truth of the matter and VOILA! end of job.
Why is this?
Because I am 100 percent me baby! I am genuine! Not only that, I have a strange power.
It all started years ago, when I was a child, a baby even. I would be outside and everything would, for lack of a better term, enter into me at the same time that I exhaled. Everything would connect, only I didn't know it at the time because, well, I was a kid. It was natural. I thought it was the same with everybody. I soon started noticing strange little subtle hints that let me know that I was somehow unique compared to the people in my life.
HISTORY
Well, here it is. I grew up in small town Alberta, Grimshaw to be exact. Born and raised. All my life till I was forced to go somewhere I didn't really want to go, but that is another story. My mother married my father at the tender age of fifteen (hillbilly anybody?) and I was born barely a year later. My dad was uneducated (that is, he dropped out in high school) and he worked hard, driving things. First buggies, than trucks. He was gone a lot, leaving me with my stay at home mom. At this time we lived out on a farm. I was very cut off from, well, everything! I would play outside and my sister would sometimes join me. But my mom was more interested in smoking and cleaning and drinking than actively involving herself in my activities, which were always outside and thus lonely (as if loneliness is bad) ones.
So here we have a small child with a fresh from her teens mother, a small sister who is too small to tag along, a dad who is always gone, and no friends. Hence, natural evolution. I would walk around outside and since I didn't have the distraction of people, I had to give myself over to the distraction of nature, which at the time of childhood, before the lifting of the great torn veil, is actually the distraction of Reality itself. Throw in what I will for now call an "active imagination" but what I really want to call an "Inter-Outer connection to sub-aetherial reality centers containing beings reaching out as we do", and man, you've got me as I am now.
Straight up, no bullshit, heart on my sleeve. This may be a problem, since most people tend to think everyone is hiding something. Well, I am not. At least, I do not mind telling when people ask. What is the use of lying?
This trait was not given to me as a result of being one with nature as a child, but here is where the stories interconnect. You see, my isolation, plus my strong and natural sense of purpose and truth, would start to cause problems. You see, I was contacted by the "beings reaching out as we do." Only, I had not been reaching, as I did not know I had to yet. They found me when I was but a child.
It started as auditory hallucinations, people would say my name even though nobody was around. These voices were accompanied by a sort of tinkling-crispness, a quality to the surroundings that was crystalline and beautiful. Sharp, concise smells and appearances would surround me for that split second as a whispery voice would call "Jason!"
I remember I ran into the house once and asked my mom if she had just called my name, because I had heard a girl calling my name. She said no with a puzzled look. Keep this in mind.
Later the auditory hallucinations began to become visual. Not only would I hear my name occasionally, but I started seeing things. The most vivid hallucination of all came one day as I was looking out the window. My dad was at home and my mother was as well, and it was early evening. I was kinda tired, as I had been excited all day that dad was home, but I don't think this is the cause, though it may be one of the conditions necessary for the sight I was about to witness.
A large and rolypoly man was walking through our yard! He was near the trees. He was swathed in yellow clothing and had a large yellow hat on. He rolled with his girth, it was so round, though he did not look round I knew he was VERY round. His eyes were hidden under his hat and when I focused on his head it seem grotesquely out of proportion to the rest of his body. His nose was gigantic, as was his moustache. I eventually came to know this being as Minuto. I have no idea his purpose or his goals, but he has always seemed sinister and devious to me. (Quite truthfully, it wasn't long after my first sighting of him that things kinda took a turn for the worse, perhaps a story for another time!) What is really strange is that one day Nintendo came up with a character who looked exactly like Minuto. His name is Wario. Keep in mind, this hallucination I am talking about occured before there was even a Nintendo Entertainment System. In fact, our Atari and Colecovision were still considered hot novelty items at the time.
Anyways, I then started to have very strange dreams. They were in a sense reoccuring. There was a specific theme, and it seemed like a tv show. Here is the rundown of a typical dream.
My mom always put me to bed and then sang me to sleep. After she would leave, I would suddenly feel very heavy, what I took for at the time as tiredness but now know to not be. (Especially now that i have experienced Salvia Gravity, which is exactly what I felt when I was kid about to experience what I am explaining to you now!)
After my mom would leave and the heavy feeling set in, I would start to float up. I knew my body was on the bed, but I would just leave it and float towards the ceiling. once again, this was perfectly natural to me. How did I know that not everybody slept this way? Only, I wasn't sleeping, as I now know.
I would float up to the ceiling and through it. I would suddenly careen instantly through a vast blackness and as I shot upwards, increasing always the velocity of my ascension, and then would penetrate into a strange place that was shelves everywhere I looked. Perfectly symetrical bookshelves sparkling onwards into infinity in all directions as I shot between them. Always this happened, for years, every night as I fell asleep. I am not shitting you. I swear it by the love of my own life.
On each shelf was row after row of ventriloquist dummies. They were always looking at me. As I shot by they would turn their wooden eyes to watch me. Their mouths were always opening and shutting with this wooden clicking noise that caused a strange and noiseless drone all around me. They watched as I shot upwards forever, endlessly jabbering.
(sidenote : these dummies have a correlation to my waking life, in that there was once a video I watched with my mother in which a ventriloquist dummy was alive with an evil force. It scared the shit out of me and I have always associated this dummy with the ones in my "dream" as they were definitely one and the same. The waking life dummy was an exact replica of the ones on the shelves, or vice versa)
Finally I would suddenly break through into some strange dream environment in which I was in total control and always without fear. Once I was in a warehouse where an epic superhero battle was raging. The only superhero I recognized was the Incredible Hulk and I just did my best to stay out the way like he asked me to. Twice I had very erotic dreams. (keep in mind I was only like four years old when I had these) In one I was running across a vast Elysian field. To the sides of me and behind me were thousands of other men also running. In front of us was a beautiful maiden, just aching to get fucked. I was in the lead and my only rival was a young chinese dude. He was mocking me that no child could beat him when suddenly his penis fell off. He didn't notice, he ran, reached the girl as I stopped to scoop it up. It was Rubbery and warm, and reminded me of those weird snake toys that are hard to hang on to because they keep turning inside out. I walked to where he was. I seen his look of triumph suddenly turn to a look of terror as he realized what he had lost. The girl was laughing, and as she looked at me I slipped his penis onto my own penis, like a glove, and I specifically remember thinking that she woulnd't possibly be satisfied with my small child penis, so I better use the one I found. She was very happy. In another the same girl was with me in a library full of shelves as far as I could see. She really wanted to have sex with me so I showed her that we could fit on the shelves if we dumped the books on the floor. That was a fun night for a four year old, let me tell you.
I would also have these dreams where I was in a wild west sort of movie set town and some sort of monster would be walking around killing people. It was always a famous movie monster like Jason Voorhees. In the one with Jason I was with my uncle Shayne as he kept killing everyone around us. My uncle and I kep succesfully hiding and Uncle was scared. I kep telling him we'd be ok. We both knew he would find us eventually, but I would just say "Leave it to me when that happens!" suddenly it happened. I told Jason we weren't against him, we were here because we wanted to join him. He spared our lives and I woke up.
The last such dream I had was very sad. In the dream I became the very dummy I that was sitting on the shelves as I ascended. My mom was one as well. I was puzzled in the dream. I had a large inflatable banana that my uncle had gotten for me while on vacation. It said "Don't worry Be happy" on it with a big smily face. It hung on my wall. I was a normal person in the dream until I looked and noticed that the banana was falling down and sitting on it was the dummy! he pointed at me and with a shock I became the dummy. This terrified me so much that I started to wake up.
now in previous dream such as this I would just wake up in the morning. In this particular instance I remember suddenly hurtling back past the shelves as soon as the shock of my transformation hit. They blurred by at such a speed they seemed a solid wall. I fell faster and faster until suddenly I hit something extremely firm but very gentle. It was like I was a drop of water falling into a puddle, but instead of joining the water I had fallen into I passed right through it gently. I suddenly was back in my own room and I was floating back and forth like a falling feather, very gently. I fell perfectly into my bed with my eyes open,wide awake.
I hadn't even been sleeping.
I made a startled noise and my mom was right there at the door.
"Are you ok?"
"Mommy, how long have I been asleep? What time is it?"
"I just finished tuckin you in hon"
It blew my soft and fragile little mind.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because most of you think I am strange and bitter because I like to be alone. You all like to think that it was my upbringing that did this to me. It is no secret that my parent's redneck immaturity eventually blew right up in my face. They got the inevitable divorce, everything was bad. People at school treated me weird, even in my hometown. People I had known my whole life didn't know me, I was passed from home to home. In the period of about ten years I moved over a dozen times, from the farm to town to Red Deer to Penhold to town again to swan hills to town again, to the farm again, to town again. I lived with my mom and dad and sister and brother and then just my mom and sister and brother and then with my dad and his girlfriend and then he broke up with her and in came another girlfriend who already had a kid and my uncles lived there and he drank and partied and had some other kids, and then I moved with my grandma and then my dad again and then my grandpa and then my dad again with his new wife, then I finished school and went to college and here I am.
You think all of this would be the reason I am so isolated and weird, but it is not. Granted it threw me for a loop for a while.
But eventually I once again came to focus on the reaching and the crystalline voices and hallucinations. And Minuto is back, as are others. I don't have the dreams anymore...
But if you ever wonder why I am so aloof and withdrawn, hopefully this helps explain it.
People have treated me like shit.
The reaching has shown me the truth.
So, I prefer to reach.
Thank you drive through!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
a beautiful rain
It is happening right now and I have to comment on it. It is a beautiful thing that is happening right now, this spring rain, so unlike what I have seen for so long but what I remember as a child and teen fifteen years ago before it all seemed to go wonky. (the weather that is)
Ah, a peal of thunder. Beautiful, perfect. Just now. First a crack, like aluminum rippling, like some sheet metal being shaken, before it spreads suddenly over my house with a rippling boom. The perfect thunder, the perfect thunder. Just above me and to the right it sounded like.
I haven't seen a beautiful rain like this for so long. I didn't even know it was happening at first, it came on so subtle. I was in the kitchen and I heard a puzzling noise, like some sort of jet. I thought, "is it thunder?", but my brain said, no, just a jet. Just another of the mysterious jets zooming by.
And then I go to the window, I hear water gurgling and I am worried. Is something flooding, or leaking? No! I suddenly hear the leaves all rustling, all rustling. I can hear the wind and still I am wondering. I can smell it, so crisp and clear. A cucumber smell. A melon smell. Grass and green and nature smell. So nice. The sound is perfect. So quiet. The gurgling I heard was the rain running from the eaves into a puddle in the grass at the corner of my house. I poke my head outside, for I still can't see the rain. I can smell it, and I can hear the leaves rustling more than anything, for they too are happy. The earth itself is stretching to this gentle pouring down, the arms of the earth stretching upwards, her gentle face smiling, beaming. A golden light...
She reaches towards it. I hear the leaves dancing and passing back and forth their wonderful discovery. And then I see it, almost invisible, this gentle rain, sparkling in the light dulled by the clouds which drop it.
It is so beautiful, what words can describe it?
Ah, a peal of thunder. Beautiful, perfect. Just now. First a crack, like aluminum rippling, like some sheet metal being shaken, before it spreads suddenly over my house with a rippling boom. The perfect thunder, the perfect thunder. Just above me and to the right it sounded like.
I haven't seen a beautiful rain like this for so long. I didn't even know it was happening at first, it came on so subtle. I was in the kitchen and I heard a puzzling noise, like some sort of jet. I thought, "is it thunder?", but my brain said, no, just a jet. Just another of the mysterious jets zooming by.
And then I go to the window, I hear water gurgling and I am worried. Is something flooding, or leaking? No! I suddenly hear the leaves all rustling, all rustling. I can hear the wind and still I am wondering. I can smell it, so crisp and clear. A cucumber smell. A melon smell. Grass and green and nature smell. So nice. The sound is perfect. So quiet. The gurgling I heard was the rain running from the eaves into a puddle in the grass at the corner of my house. I poke my head outside, for I still can't see the rain. I can smell it, and I can hear the leaves rustling more than anything, for they too are happy. The earth itself is stretching to this gentle pouring down, the arms of the earth stretching upwards, her gentle face smiling, beaming. A golden light...
She reaches towards it. I hear the leaves dancing and passing back and forth their wonderful discovery. And then I see it, almost invisible, this gentle rain, sparkling in the light dulled by the clouds which drop it.
It is so beautiful, what words can describe it?
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