mutherf***er

It’s funny how often I act like everything sucks and I hate everything and what a waste of fucking time. It is funny because I don’t just end it all. If it really sucks, why not end it? I think of this and I realize that maybe ending it here doesn’t end it at all. What if you are doomed to reliving this if you end it prematurely, constantly caught in a space-time loop constantly living the same moments over and over until by some miracle things happen to go right and life continues on towards its purpose. Or maybe it is suddenly nothing. But of course, nothing is something now isn’t it? Is there such thing as nothingness? No human can answer that question. So, I keep pondering and realizing that I can’t just end it. What would be the point? May as well play it out. Who knows what will happen.

And then I realize what it means to be Beat in the Kerouac sense of the word. This is the moment of surrender when you realize you simply have to give in and quit fighting it. We are, after all, thrown into the world. We have no control over what we are before the point of our birth. We cannot control the environment which inevitably causes us to make ourselves. We are predestined unless we are not and even then it’s simply a petty matter of judgement and perspective. We are neither predestined or free. We simply are and we have to make do with that. We are surrendered at this point and we can then find happiness.

And this is where the true individuals are. The real punks. I have consistently realized this lately and I realize that the leather clad spiky nosed scary looking people who roam around used to know this until they became a fashion trend. Same with the flannel-clad grungers or the scarcely clad strippers. Same with everyone who ever caused people to know they were individualistic. True punks don’t try to make a statement. A statement simply happens because somebody notices somebody in their confidence and wants to mimick this confidence to be at peace or whatever and suddenly you have a trend. Just look at what happened to the hippies. Look what the hippies did to eastern mysticism. They fucked it up when they didn’t get it right and far fewer people get it right than not.

Who are the true punks today?

Nobody who would call themselves a punk.

People who are free to express the beauty and joy of life admist the prevalence of darkness.

Why are all movies about getting emotionless angry sex?
Why do all commercials belittle us?

Why do skateboarders make so much money?
Why are you a commodity?
Because you let them make you one.

Why does every movie plot nowadays have to endlessly repeat the same old plot about killers or warriors or people frightened or wanting to fuck?

Why is everything so negative?
Because it’s a trend we have latched onto with our apathy.

It is because our rock music is too depressing.

Because white people just don’t get the fucking blues.

They don’t understand them.

They understand country and western.

No matter how much they try to deny it

That is all they understand.

Fucking hicks.

If you want to be a punk

Dress normal

Be positive

Listen to Bob Marley

Lose your apathy

And smoke weed

regret

Today I had an interesting thought. I was on the couch watching TV for Angela and I
started doing a laugh that was overexaggerated and forced, and in a strange voice. (In fact, it was more or less insane!). She said it reminded her of that "furry thing" from Thundercats, and that immediately brought to mind the Thundercats theme song from way back in the day. I always remember this them song from beginning to end when someone mentions the show.

For those of you who are too young to remember this glorious cartoon of the eighties, here's a little info. Thundercats was a saturday morning type of cartoon, action adventure sci fi wonder which debuted in 1983 and ran for several years. Wikipedia article reads "Set against a backdrop juxtaposing science-fiction and fantasy elements, the ThunderCats series tells a good-versus-evil tale of mythic proportions, featuring an equal mix of high-technology and magic, hand-to-hand combat, and a central core of championed values. Its anthropomorphic heroes, the ThunderCats, are pitted against a rag-tag assortment of villains and a demonic wizard named Mumm-Ra on a planet known as Third Earth."

I used to love this cartoon. A unique aspect of having been born in 1980 to teenaged
parents is that I was pretty much born in front of television with a video game controller in my hand. This gave me a special bond with television, especially my action cartoons. Especially thundercats for some reason. It had swords and fighting and stuff! I love swords, always have.But one thing I really loved was the theme song. I loved the music of the whole damn show, but that theme song rocked. It was one of my first rock experiences. And it lead into first ever rockstar fantasy.

The music in ThunderCats is heavily based on leitmotifs. For those who don't know a
leitmotif is "a recurring musical theme, associated within a particular piece of music
with a particular person, place or idea." The word has also been used to mean "any
sort of recurring theme, whether in music, literature, or the life of a fictional
character or a real person."

In other words, the music represents the character or situation the character is in. It
provides an additional layer of recognition. One can identify more with a character
when more information is provided to associate with the character. This has created
some powerful movie characters over the years. A well known example is the Star
Wars Imperial March associated with Darth Vader in the Star Wars series of films.
Another good one is on Friday the Thirteenth, a sound that if I make my wife gets
really pissed off. Here's what wikipedia had to say on this matter.

"In the Friday the 13th (film series), Harry Manfredini implemented a vocal effect to
indicate the presence of the killer. While watching a rough cut of the original Friday
the 13th, and while contemplating a leitmotif for the picture, the line “Kill her,
mommy,” entranced Manfredini. He distilled the line down to kill mom, and then
truncated it even further into ki and ma. He then spoke each syllable a single time
into an Echoplex, creating the signature ‘ki-ki-ki ma-ma-ma’ motif that went on to be
used in each subsequent sequel."

It is Richard Wagner, however, who is the composer most often associated with
leitmotifs, and his operas make liberal use of them. His cycle of four operas, Der Ring
des Nibelungen, uses dozens of leitmotifs, representing characters, things, or
situations; while some of these leitmotifs occur in only one of the operas, many occur throughout the entire cycle. This is interesting to note for anybody with a good interest in Friedrich Nietzsche. The friendship and then dispute between the two itself is a sort of a leitmotif in the life of the great thinker, who challenged constantly, even those who were closest to him

Leitmotif in literature also refers to the repeated representation of certain themes or
emotions throughout a book, play, or other literary works. In literature, a Leitmotif is
used as a recurring event, object or even a character that the story always makes
reference to. In works with counterpoint, leitmotifs can become a figure of analysis in which the different stories constantly/eventually lead to.

In Thundercats, musically, each character, place, and emotion of the scene have a
different theme. For instance, Panthro's theme and the ThunderTank theme have the
same melody, but is a different arrangement depending on if he is driving the ThunderTank or in hand-to-hand combat. His combat theme has more prominent use of electric guitars and has more of jazz or funk feel. In the ThunderTank, his theme has more of a rock feel, but is dominated more by the orchestral instruments. Among other musical themes, whenever an episode ends with an epilogue, a calming theme consisting of mostly piano and wind instruments plays the ThunderCats theme melody, before ending with a strong "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, ThunderCats!" line.

This explains why the music had such an impact on me. I am very spiritually driven, or more precisely, I am very human-spiritually driven. Things like Leitmotifs are extremely powerful methods when it comes to really communicating with me. They have a deep impact on me. Myths, legends, human spirit, power-will, rhythmn. These things drive me. That is why the thundercat's theme song triggered a powerful response in me.

It all starts at my Uncle Rusty's wedding, in which I was the Ring Bearer. It was strange for me. I am rather shy, I had never been to a wedding, I didn't know what to do really so I just did what I was told. The suit fitting came and went, as did the practice ceremony and the real ceremony. And then came the dinner, where I got to sit at the head table. There was a dozen or so people, and I was about halfway through. Someone started passing a mike. Everyone in the wedding party had a chance to say something and I was terrified by the prospect. I didn't know what to say! What could I say? I was just a kid! I just couldn't think of what to say. The microphone came closer and closer and my mother came up to me. I asked her what to do and she said, "When you get the mike they will ask if you have anything you want to say. Just say no. It's all right!" Which I did, and it worked. Crisis averted.

Only, a couple of minutes later it happened, full on impact day dream land rock star fantasy, my first ever! What is a rock star fantasy you ask? Yes, it is as you picture. A person with a guitar will fantasize that they are playing their favourite kind of music to a crowd that loves what they are doing and they are supercool. But there is more to it than that. There is a rising upsurge, a tickling of the chakras. It is powerful and joyful and intense, and more than that. It is is mystic. It is truly truly ecstatic. When one has a real rockstar fantasy one is teleported to the world of the mind and one transcends normal reality. It is a glorious glorious thing.

And this was my first. I suddenly realized that what I should have done was get up on the table and while everyone stares stunned at the kid who suddenly just jumped onto the table with the mike in his hand, I should have told the band to "hit it". They of course knew what it was I meant to hit, and they immediately launched into the instrumental for Thundercats main theme song. I start singing, and the stunned crowd watches, mouths gaping. The stunned sensation then turns to bewilderment as I sing, my hand outsretched before me, sweat forming on my brow. Then they cheer and dance and an explosion of rock happiness explodes forth its ecstatic waves as I sing and rock truly.

And suddenly I snap out of it and I am back at the wedding and my mom is giving me a plate of food. It was fucking awesome.

And that is where this ties into regret. It was regret that caused me to have that fantasy. This is what I should have done it says. Why didn't I do that? Just like many such fantasies. They come from a place that simply isn't and that one wishes was. One regrets that it is not so, and thus has a fantasy.

The rockstar fantasy stems from regret.
the greatest joy from the greatest sorrow
as the open wound closes the most
Thank you drive through!

R.I.P. Hunter S. Thompson v 2.0

Well, I have to share a thought I have had recently, a subtly illuminating, brilliant and mature, sort of saddening thought.

Hunter S. Thompson was a fraud.
A shocking statement I know, especially coming from me if you know me, for I used to be a self-proclaimed Thompson fanatic, Gonzo all the way.

But recently I realized he ain't all that great. Mostly as a person he was a horrible degenerate. This is the truth! No witty embellishment is meant when he proclaimed himself to be thus. He meant it! He was lazy, he was a bum, and he was a horrible sellout.

Think about it.

To me, he only wrote three good books. The Rum Diary, Hell's Angels, and the Great Shark Hunt. His letters are interesting, and it shows a rather impressive amount of egotistical foresite to keep every single letter you have ever wrote carbon copied. But Fear and Loathing, I never really liked the book. The movie is better, it was meant to be a movie. But the book, it always seemed so bleh to me. Sure it is smoothly and impressively written, and kind of funny as well. But let's face it, if it wasn't published in the right place at the write time it would have been heiled as a poor substiture for some of his other works. The drug fueled hipness of the time is what made the book what it was, and what made Hunter what he was and for that it was great. But, I think it was this book that brought him down.

After this he went straight sell out. He got lots of money. He quit producing anything of note. He burned that money on cocaine, all the while complaining about the horrible beasts of society who were using the wealth of the nation like he was, which is to say wastefully and non-responsibly. He started charging outrageous appearance fees for speaking engagements. In a case of horrible fucked up shit he cowered terrified before the same anti-drug system he so adamantly flaunted, claiming that "none of the drugs in the house were his" and that "he didn't have drugs at all". "All sorts of weird characters float through these walls" he claimed. "And the place is a mess. Who knows who left what where? I can't be held accountable!" What a chicken shit. Here he spends all this time flaunting his drug use in the face of those who can do something about it and when something is done about it he claims he had no part of it? I am talking of course about the sex-industry worker he assaulted and then claimed not to have assaulted who then called police who came and siezed small quantities of drugs. (Like he didn't know they were coming and like he didn't get rid of his own hefty quantity of drugs, probably a tipoff from his friend the sheriff.)

Hunter was a huge sellout. A fucking coward. A sniveling snake in the grass. A bootlicker.
A great man who made a difference in my life nonetheless, who was, once again, in the right place at the right time. I feel like I know him.

But, it is now I officially hang up my Hunter S. Fanaticism. From now on I will stick with the books mentioned as part of my official library (The Great Shark Hunt, Hell's Angels, and The Rum Diaries) but other than that I could care less, except for maybe his letters 'cause they are funny.
..............................
/ R.I.P. old man \
. -=0=-=-==0= .
. As I sit here .
. and I rot .
. Smelling smells .
. that time forgot .
. Decomposing .
. Slowly Fading .
. All the worms .
. are celebrating .
...................................

Riffin

That's all I'm doing now is writing whatever comes to my head, about Angela, about anything. I find it amazing the power of the internet, allowing me to communicate with you right now whether you know me or not. I think the value of the telephone was to get us to this stage, and now I think they are more or less useless. Sure, keep 'em around in case your comp breaks down, but really. It is a relatively new requirement of the human species that one should keep in touch with their children until their children are old and the parent finally dies. It is nice and all, and especially works for people whom that works for. But man, some people can just reel in their kids, keep 'em from shooting out into whatever is out there, always magnetically drawing them back. It is an amazing thing the internet has done, and the recent trend in weblogging. I think it is great. Almost as great as eating pies.

I ate too many donuts tonight, then I ate supper, and then some tums. I hope that it is as tasty for you as it is for me. Because this is just nonsense and of no real value now is it?

I was simply told once that if you want to be a writer you better be prepared to write every god damn day.