regret

Today I had an interesting thought. I was on the couch watching TV for Angela and I
started doing a laugh that was overexaggerated and forced, and in a strange voice. (In fact, it was more or less insane!). She said it reminded her of that "furry thing" from Thundercats, and that immediately brought to mind the Thundercats theme song from way back in the day. I always remember this them song from beginning to end when someone mentions the show.

For those of you who are too young to remember this glorious cartoon of the eighties, here's a little info. Thundercats was a saturday morning type of cartoon, action adventure sci fi wonder which debuted in 1983 and ran for several years. Wikipedia article reads "Set against a backdrop juxtaposing science-fiction and fantasy elements, the ThunderCats series tells a good-versus-evil tale of mythic proportions, featuring an equal mix of high-technology and magic, hand-to-hand combat, and a central core of championed values. Its anthropomorphic heroes, the ThunderCats, are pitted against a rag-tag assortment of villains and a demonic wizard named Mumm-Ra on a planet known as Third Earth."

I used to love this cartoon. A unique aspect of having been born in 1980 to teenaged
parents is that I was pretty much born in front of television with a video game controller in my hand. This gave me a special bond with television, especially my action cartoons. Especially thundercats for some reason. It had swords and fighting and stuff! I love swords, always have.But one thing I really loved was the theme song. I loved the music of the whole damn show, but that theme song rocked. It was one of my first rock experiences. And it lead into first ever rockstar fantasy.

The music in ThunderCats is heavily based on leitmotifs. For those who don't know a
leitmotif is "a recurring musical theme, associated within a particular piece of music
with a particular person, place or idea." The word has also been used to mean "any
sort of recurring theme, whether in music, literature, or the life of a fictional
character or a real person."

In other words, the music represents the character or situation the character is in. It
provides an additional layer of recognition. One can identify more with a character
when more information is provided to associate with the character. This has created
some powerful movie characters over the years. A well known example is the Star
Wars Imperial March associated with Darth Vader in the Star Wars series of films.
Another good one is on Friday the Thirteenth, a sound that if I make my wife gets
really pissed off. Here's what wikipedia had to say on this matter.

"In the Friday the 13th (film series), Harry Manfredini implemented a vocal effect to
indicate the presence of the killer. While watching a rough cut of the original Friday
the 13th, and while contemplating a leitmotif for the picture, the line “Kill her,
mommy,” entranced Manfredini. He distilled the line down to kill mom, and then
truncated it even further into ki and ma. He then spoke each syllable a single time
into an Echoplex, creating the signature ‘ki-ki-ki ma-ma-ma’ motif that went on to be
used in each subsequent sequel."

It is Richard Wagner, however, who is the composer most often associated with
leitmotifs, and his operas make liberal use of them. His cycle of four operas, Der Ring
des Nibelungen, uses dozens of leitmotifs, representing characters, things, or
situations; while some of these leitmotifs occur in only one of the operas, many occur throughout the entire cycle. This is interesting to note for anybody with a good interest in Friedrich Nietzsche. The friendship and then dispute between the two itself is a sort of a leitmotif in the life of the great thinker, who challenged constantly, even those who were closest to him

Leitmotif in literature also refers to the repeated representation of certain themes or
emotions throughout a book, play, or other literary works. In literature, a Leitmotif is
used as a recurring event, object or even a character that the story always makes
reference to. In works with counterpoint, leitmotifs can become a figure of analysis in which the different stories constantly/eventually lead to.

In Thundercats, musically, each character, place, and emotion of the scene have a
different theme. For instance, Panthro's theme and the ThunderTank theme have the
same melody, but is a different arrangement depending on if he is driving the ThunderTank or in hand-to-hand combat. His combat theme has more prominent use of electric guitars and has more of jazz or funk feel. In the ThunderTank, his theme has more of a rock feel, but is dominated more by the orchestral instruments. Among other musical themes, whenever an episode ends with an epilogue, a calming theme consisting of mostly piano and wind instruments plays the ThunderCats theme melody, before ending with a strong "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, ThunderCats!" line.

This explains why the music had such an impact on me. I am very spiritually driven, or more precisely, I am very human-spiritually driven. Things like Leitmotifs are extremely powerful methods when it comes to really communicating with me. They have a deep impact on me. Myths, legends, human spirit, power-will, rhythmn. These things drive me. That is why the thundercat's theme song triggered a powerful response in me.

It all starts at my Uncle Rusty's wedding, in which I was the Ring Bearer. It was strange for me. I am rather shy, I had never been to a wedding, I didn't know what to do really so I just did what I was told. The suit fitting came and went, as did the practice ceremony and the real ceremony. And then came the dinner, where I got to sit at the head table. There was a dozen or so people, and I was about halfway through. Someone started passing a mike. Everyone in the wedding party had a chance to say something and I was terrified by the prospect. I didn't know what to say! What could I say? I was just a kid! I just couldn't think of what to say. The microphone came closer and closer and my mother came up to me. I asked her what to do and she said, "When you get the mike they will ask if you have anything you want to say. Just say no. It's all right!" Which I did, and it worked. Crisis averted.

Only, a couple of minutes later it happened, full on impact day dream land rock star fantasy, my first ever! What is a rock star fantasy you ask? Yes, it is as you picture. A person with a guitar will fantasize that they are playing their favourite kind of music to a crowd that loves what they are doing and they are supercool. But there is more to it than that. There is a rising upsurge, a tickling of the chakras. It is powerful and joyful and intense, and more than that. It is is mystic. It is truly truly ecstatic. When one has a real rockstar fantasy one is teleported to the world of the mind and one transcends normal reality. It is a glorious glorious thing.

And this was my first. I suddenly realized that what I should have done was get up on the table and while everyone stares stunned at the kid who suddenly just jumped onto the table with the mike in his hand, I should have told the band to "hit it". They of course knew what it was I meant to hit, and they immediately launched into the instrumental for Thundercats main theme song. I start singing, and the stunned crowd watches, mouths gaping. The stunned sensation then turns to bewilderment as I sing, my hand outsretched before me, sweat forming on my brow. Then they cheer and dance and an explosion of rock happiness explodes forth its ecstatic waves as I sing and rock truly.

And suddenly I snap out of it and I am back at the wedding and my mom is giving me a plate of food. It was fucking awesome.

And that is where this ties into regret. It was regret that caused me to have that fantasy. This is what I should have done it says. Why didn't I do that? Just like many such fantasies. They come from a place that simply isn't and that one wishes was. One regrets that it is not so, and thus has a fantasy.

The rockstar fantasy stems from regret.
the greatest joy from the greatest sorrow
as the open wound closes the most
Thank you drive through!